The Joy of Eating

by Darin Lowery

While cruising in my station wagon a few weeks ago, I listened to a ‘teaser’ spot on National Public Radio for an upcoming show about food. The sound bites of dispassionate interviewees caught my attention. One claimed, ‘I never eat anything unless I know exactly who prepared it and how they did it’. The second gal mumbled something about not eating much of anything, especially meat, dairy, sugar, coffee or wheat, and the lone guy sounded upset at the thought of the green beans on his plate touching the potatoes touching his pork chops.

Now, I have a question: after the Revolution, or when part of our country is obliterated by a dirty bomb and food is scarce or nonexistent, what will these folks who worry so much about the provenance or placement of their food do? I don’t know about you, but if push came to shove, I’d gladly share a bowl of Alpo SSSizzling Sirloin with my Border Collie (‘move over, Velma!’) and if so, I want to be on her good side. That is, on the other side of her snapping jaws.

Why the unusual emphasis on food? Is it because we have so much of everything we can afford to be neurotic? Then again, maybe these people are as exacting while choosing light bulbs (‘Godammit,

Marie- I said 40 watts!’). To have such complex rules, to suffer self deprivation of something so simple and sometimes so joyful (usually in the company of others) is puzzling. It sounds like these folks just have too much free time- the promise of the past (‘…in the Future, foods will be prepared by microwaves!’) has met the present (‘I can eat whatever I want, so I’ll eat it all. Or devise mystical rules so, confused and exhausted, I’ll go to bed hungry’).

Back in the 50’s, when families actually shared at least one daily meal together without interruptions (no texttweetphonevideo options, thank you), sensible meals were consumed and a really, really big night featured a quivering dish of Jello.

Don’t get me wrong- I like food. I just don’t spend a lot of time thinking about it, unless it’s ice cream. That, my dear, is a story for another day. For now, I worry about this American preoccupation (as it does seem to be unique to the US). It’s a schizophrenic relationship with sustenance: on one hand, you’ve got folks who wouldn’t dream of touching a veal medallion (I agree- the poor creatures live in tiny pens their entire lives), yet slam on the brakes at the nearest O’Burger’s to chow down on something called Chicken O’Chunks (choking on my own fluids sounds like a better alternative). It is a Scientific Fact that if you eat more than one Smiley Meal in any six month period, you take fourteen years off your lifespan. There are women and young girls in this country who will pass on meat and potatoes, pasta and sauce- starve themselves- and then eat a sixteen ounce jar of powdered coffee creamer when everyone else has gone to bed. Really- I knew someone like that once. Some folks live on vitamins, supplements and Perrier and wonder if Botox injections count as protein. Then there was the guy I knew in 1983 who ate only orange food. Talk about monochromatic.

And the ads- oh my God, the ads for food. The television spots and newspaper circulars are not only filled with ravishing, famishing pix of mouthwatering tidbits, but the copywriters use the word ‘love’ so much, as a noun and a verb, it seems you’ll get more warm fuzzies from a box of doughnuts than you would a boyfriend…. Love means never having to say, “I’m stuffed”.

As summer is quickly approaching, like others I want to look my best in a bathing costume. At my age, I’ll soon worry about what I’ll look like in an adult diaper, let alone a snug Speedo. Exercise is out of the question, as I break out from perspiration. Ergo, I watch what I eat.

Perhaps you want to lose a few pounds, or maybe bulk up. You may be interested in the Triple D Reducing Plan (‘Darin’s De-Lite-Full Diet’) – it does it all! The Plan is versatile and easy- I lost twenty-five pounds on it, although ending a fourteen year relationship probably contributed to the drop . This Reducing Plan is loaded with minerals and roughage and is simple to prepare. It is also cheap.

EVENING

- Steamed fresh baby spinach with a black bean and white rice pilaf, sprinkled with   scallions and liberal amounts of Cuban pepper (No salt!)

- Wassa brand multigrain flatbread with hummus- optional fresh lime

- Pomegranate and seltzer over ice- optional fresh lemon

- Triple piece of chocolate layer cake with two scoops of Hagen Daas vanilla ice cream-   chocolate sauce optional

With the Triple D Reducing Plan, you skip all other meals but may drink as much coffee as you like, having the occasional nine or ten Ginger Snaps to boost your energy.

If you’re one of those who want to increase your weight, just double up on everything and throw in a couple sixers of Corona.

While I usually consider processed food product in packages as ‘toxic’ (love that word- it’s so New Millennium), ice cream and cookies are exempt. It’s my Diet Plan, so I can do whatever I want. I avoid the Cancer Aisle at my local market whenever possible, unless there’s a sale on biscotti. At 6’2” and 142 pounds, I weigh less than I did in high school and look really great in boxy sports jackets. All the gals tell me so.

Mark Twain once said, “If I knew I would live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.” Still another great writer (I read this in a scandal rag at the Safeway) wrote, “If it comes in a box, don’t eat it or you’ll go out in a box.” And then there are the immortal words of my Mother, circa 1958: “Honey, there are people starving in China. Please eat your lima beans.”

Maybe it’s really all about Balance: if you have to eat a Smiley Meal (because you’re a glamour gal/guy-on-the-go, tweeting and texting as you navigate Life’s superhighway), do twelve pushups and have a bowl of organic yogurt…